Anytime I’m ready to change my life, I think about my favorite home renovation show. For an hour, I sit on my couch, captivated by seeing a house in its current state and excited for the homeowners who are risking their finances, patience and possibly their relationship to make it a better place to live. But that’s just the beginning. Then the work begins! They take a sledgehammer to dilapidated cabinets, rip up carpet to reveal amazing wood flooring they didn’t know they had and tear down walls that kept the sun from streaming throughout their house. The process of demolishing the outdated and limited space allows the homeowners to see their space in a whole new light. Meanwhile, I’m on my couch, stuffing snacks in my mouth, full of anticipation for the progress about to unfold. I love seeing those home renovations from start to finish. It’s me sitting there watching another person or a couple focus their intent on change and, despite the challenges that may hit their contingency budget, commit themselves to building what they want instead of settling for what’s in front of them. Throughout the hour show, I see how they risk their time, energy and money on something they envision, and they slowly but surely see it come to fruition because of their determination.
Anyone who watches these shows with me knows how excited I get. My love for renovations has influenced my relationship business as a relationship architect. My clients are looking for ways to build a solid foundation in a new relationship, or they want to redesign their habits in a relationship they’re already in or even want to better themselves for just themselves. Whatever the renovation, HGTV helped me work the way those home designers and architects do. I establish a blueprint to tear down emotional walls or pull up issues of the past and then take a sledgehammer to self-doubt in my clients’ life. What they want to do with the relationship renovation is their own, and I’m the architect helping them along the way; aware of the contingencies but fully focused on building the life they want. These relationship renovations get me just as excited as those HGTV shows! And just like I’m in awe of the home transformations that turn something once thought unbelievable into something magnificent, I’m most happy when my clients see their own lives transform, and the end result is a life in which they are getting what they want and need out of their relationships with themselves or the people in their lives.
As my love for home renovation shows has grown over the years, so has my curiosity about how people communicate with one another. We all deserve amazing relationships and they all start with connecting. No matter what relationship renovation I work on, most times the troubles start with miscommunication and miscommunication leads to misunderstanding. Spend a little time figuring out where the communication got misunderstood and most relationships can be easily restored, or at least you will know why the relationship has to change or end; not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. As I started diving into stories and listening to clients when I first started out, I realized people were stuck in frustrating and often subconscious routines and disappointing, yet too often lingering, relationships. Sometimes flipping a relationship, much like a home, is the best thing you can do. I once had a friend who no longer wanted to be stay connected as much as we had been. She sat me down, explained why she believed the relationship changed and we parted ways with respect. If this sounds unbelievable and too idealistic, I did too. Not all relationships will end with a nice reveal of how they changed and how much better it is after a renovation. Sometimes you try to make things better but then end up flipping the house and ending it, much like some of those home renovations on HGTV.What I’ve learned so far in my work is I will easily distract myself for hours at a time with my favorite home renovation shows. But I also learned that I really enjoy helping people make the best relationships they can have with themselves, others and their careers. We all deserve amazing relationships and I help my clients build them. Not all relationships will last and that’s going to be OK. We should strive to make the most of them and then end them if they won’t work out between us. Whether in friendship, romance or business, a relationship renovation can be done to help figure out what needs to be fixed, changed or redesigned. And through my work I know how people will find ways to unknowingly sabotage their relationships But when we all get excited to tear down the emotional walls, pull up the issues of the past and take a sledgehammer to habits that get us stuck, a truly renovated relationship will be created over time and enjoyed for years to come.
For years I’ve been helping people make the most of their romantic relationships, whether on the weekends in my business or casually in kitchens and living rooms at parties. People have told me relationships aren’t easy, but does that automatically mean they had to be difficult to maintain? Relationships have an influential power over every aspect of our lives. Having an argument with your special someone? You may also be distracted on the project that’s due at work. Feeling elated about being engaged and starting a new chapter in life? You’re probably walking on clouds and sharing feel-good feelings with everyone you come into contact with, while others are casting out a hand showcasing a sparkly engagement ring. So I’ve recently been even more interested in understanding what the work is we need to do in relationships to make them, and our lives in general, successful. Working hard on something isn’t always going to guarantee success, and relationships are the same. We have to be with the right kind of match that creates supportive, encouraging and enhancing interactions to make the work we do effective.
After reviewing years of articles, clients and my own love stories in my life, here’s is what I’ve seen to be the relationship work we all are required to handle:
My work to help people build successful relationships will be continuing. I’m focused on expanding in other forms of media and programs. But what I’ve learned is that we all have work to do in a relationship. The love we feel for another person depends on how much we work with a good match to maintain the happiness and success we want to have together. After all, a relationship may not be easy but that doesn’t mean it has to be difficult.
Being single isn’t all that bad. It can actually be great! The best projects in life are the ones that enhance you, so single life is filled with a lot of opportunities to discover yourself. However, sometimes we might be sitting around cruising aimlessly through dating apps or wistfully hoping with a friend we could have someone in our lives. I hear it all the time whether with my girlfriends at lunch or the guys at the gym. But, there are three big reasons why you should definitely be single even if the urge to start a relationship comes to mind.
Reason #1: You’re clueless as to who you are, what you’re doing with yourself and don’t know what to do about it.
Look at your life, look at your choices. How would a special someone fit into your life right now? As the cleaner or repairman fixing it up? We all know people cannot be fixed. So why would you want to go into a relationship thinking someone will, or want to, fix you? Who you are and what you’re doing with yourself go hand-in-hand. So, the good news is, if you fix one the other will start to make more sense too. I’ve seen people who are clueless to who they are and what they want out of their lives put so much focus into their relationships when they are able to get into one. The stress of trying to both figure out major aspects of themselves adds frustration as they also try to figure out someone else. And what happens when we get frustrated? A lot of times we give up and start the blame game. Be careful! No one likes a sore loser and you might be losing in the relationship game if you start a relationship you aren’t prepared to handle because you don’t know yourself and what you really want well enough.
Reason #2: You’re scared, bitter, unexcited or a combination of any of the three.
Any of these three will sabotage a special someone coming into your life. All three of these downer attitudes keep you in a horrifying dating cycle, IF you are looking for love. If you want to stay single, these are perfect attitudes to keep going! Here’s a little breakdown of each one:
Scared of where life is going? Scared of being hurt? Scared of the monster under your bed? Two of the three are very real things that can repel many men and women away from you. Being scared can either make you easy prey for those who will take advantage of you or keep people away. There may be some legitimate reasons why you are scared, but there are few reasons to stay that way. What your goal should be is to do little things that are out of the ordinary for you to create little successes. This is a great way to build confidence. For my financially-focused friends, it’s like dollar-cost averaging (saving small amounts over a long period of time to get huge returns). The investment is worth the time but you gotta start to get the benefits!
Also, bitter is bitter and it just doesn’t get you into a good relationship. It tastes bad when you’re expecting something sweet and it will ruin the sweet aroma of romance. Whether it’s bitterness from ghosts of relationships’ past or just an overall negative attitude. Bitterness will seep into every aspect of your relationship. And unless you are with someone equally as bitter, you will show someone to exchange bitter for better- and away they go! You can be a glass-half-empty person, I’m not here to change you, just don’t sulk on your perspective.
But are you unexcited about being in a relationship with someone? Good! Don’t start one. You won’t be satisfied and nothing you might get into won’t be right…you’ll think to yourself if you do. The only thing worse than someone who is bitter all the time is someone who doesn’t want to be somewhere. And if you don’t want to be somewhere with someone then don’t even start. Know yourself and stay home and off the dating apps! No one wants your pretend interest there either.
Reason #3: You’re living on a timeline.
When you expect things to happen you have no control over you will get disappointed. Period. Most things in our life are out of our control. We can do things to influence what happens, but ultimately we don’t have a guarantee over much. If you’re thinking it’s time to be married or have a relationship or kids or more experience with a partner, it sends possible matches away (running!). It is okay to want something to happen but keep in mind: if you’re busy focusing on pushing the experience along it may not last long. Stay within a parameter and see what adjustments might need to be made to get what you want. We all make mistakes when we are under pressure and stressed. Why should love be those things? It should be the most enjoyable aspect of our lives. No one likes pressure in love. We work hard to work through pressure, so no one wants to start love under pressure- it’ll pop!
There are great things that happen in a relationship. But get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, like any of the above, and you will have a tough time making the most of it. Make the most of being single. You don’t have to be in the most perfect state of mine or wait for the perfect moment to start dating. However, being mindful of how ready you are will help out. Just remember: being single won’t kill you! In fact, being single might just save you from killing the best love from someone special too soon. Stay single, for now.